Tuesday, February 28, 2012
nina from URL @ 3:57 AM
Okay, this post is not intended for anyone, and is not targeted at anyone. As you can see it's the first post after donkey years so yeah, I'm actually not expecting anyone to read it. I just got so much to say about this but I can't tell anyone cos I don't make sense.
Now a lot has happened lately regarding my part-time job. And honestly I am very sad. Much more than I let on. Anyone who knows me would know how much I love my job. I talk about it all the time. I've been workin for 4 years now, and that's a crazy long time for a part-time job. Right from the start, this job was never about the money. The pay isn't fantastic, $5.50/hr, I can easily find a new job that will pay double that amount but I didn't. A friend asked me to accompany him to apply for a job and I did. So that's how I got my job.
After recent events I realize that this is more than a job to me. If I took it as a job, I would be working for the sake of money and uninterested in the affairs relating to the company as long as I get paid. But that's not the case here. I can only say that my whole heart is with the company, so much so that I would work even if they wern't paying me. I have developed a strong passion for this job and I know I'm good at it. Their emphasis on exvellent service just makes me determined to excell in the area.
I believe that the standards were high 4 years ago. And when I was on training i was apparently quite slow, and i believe i almost lost the job on the 2nd day. I remember telling myself I want this job, and saying I need to prove myself and do this because I ain't a quitter and i'm always a fighter. I told myself the day before my opening shift to treat it as my uniform group training, and it worked! (i have never told anyone of this motivation). I finished opening in half the time allocated, and my managers noted a vast improvement. They were apparently very impressed and word spread.
Things only propelled from there. I attended all the workshops and memorized my products list to know everything, it's something not everyone does, but if I do something I need to do it well. I had head knowledge of everything at the back of m hand, all the way up to the company's mission, vision and pledge.
Then I had a passionate team of managers who really cared about me, and really pushed for professionalism and self improvement. They constantly guided me and sometimes I had to learn on my own, but my colleagues were a major help.
My outlet relocated in 2010, and all of us were dispersed to different outlets. My boss brought the "best" staff to his outlet as my colleague put it, and I was one of them. There it got me thinking, was I really that good?
3 months later, we came to a new outlet with a fresh team of staff and managers, aside my boss. I was senior staff and responsible for training the rest as I was the most experienced. I cared about all of them and loved every moment I spent with them. We were insanely busy as we were new, the crowd was crazy and the staff just couldn't cope in the new environment. My heart actually ached for them as I saw how they suffered. We were all in it together.
We were at our strongest then. Months passed, and we went through change of manager almost every two weeks or so. The new managers just couldn't cope with the stress and heavy crowd flow as we were constantly short of staff at the time. It was hard.. But we finally regained stability a few months later. The latest team of managers; they knew me. They knew what I was like, and they knew what I stood for. My manager, she always told me I was a strong staff, and would always make sure I was on shift when important people were coming, or HQ were coming down to assess her cos she knew I could do everything according to our SOPs.
That was about the last of the days where I knew my whole managerial team believed in me, and we're behind me. Now I was the only staff left in my outlet from the time we first opened. All this while I stuck by my outlet, regardless of how hard it has been. On days where we just flopped, I was there. When we has like 3 staff on the floor and we practically couldn't cope at all, I continued to give my schedule. I knew we were in a bad spot but me quitting would not help anything, it would just be one less to the minimal manpower they had.
Then came a new supervisor, who apart entry everyone hated. She was sent to actually train us because we were doing quite bad in rating as compared to other outlets. Many people quit because of her and I was on the verge myself. That was an extremely difficult time for me and I was really between a rock and a hard place. I loved my job so much, yet on the other hand I really couldn't take her. We were really short of staff again due to the number of people that left or refused to give schedule.. Another hard time but I stuck by my outlet. I decided to give her a chance and put up with it because I wasn't ready to leave yet. I put up with it and she made me feel inferior and I varied after two of my shifts with her. After a couple of weeks, we warmed up to each other I guess? I think she realized that I wasn't a trainee but I worked very long and I was good. I realized she was such a breath of fresh air, nd as I observed her and her interaction with the customers, there was definitely something excellent about her. There was something I needed to learn from her.
Now we have a completely new team. I love them to pieces. I think it's the most fun I've had while working. Nearly everyone I started out working with had already left... But my boss from my first outlet was still here. He was kind of the reason I lasted here so long too. I actually stayed on all this while partially because of him. Anyway this team brought our outlet to the top, and we were in our element again. I really respect their leadership. I think they are all awesome, and I'm still not sure how they did it.
In midst of all the fun, problems began to arise, for me that is. I soon realized that I was given the same station way too often. A station I was good at but didn't like because it can get really boring during non peak hours. I realized also that I had been working for 4 years yet my knowledge of the different stations was so minimal as I was always stuck on the same station. My heart really sank at all these realization. I no longer felt happy telling people who asked me,' that I had been working for 4 years. I felt stupid. How can someone who worked that amount of time not had their hand at every station. I felt that the trainees that were coming in we're learning more than me. I something even wished I could quit and come back as a trainee just so I could at least try every station once.
Ofcourse, it was spread across the four years and not the fault of anyone at my current outlet. It's just a build up and I feel very sad. I think it is because of the instability that we went through with the constant change of managers that they did not realize what was happening. But now, I love my managers, I really do. And I hold none of this against them because it's seriously not their fault AT ALL. Yet somehow I just feel underappriciated at work. They owe me nothing, I mean it's my job. But I feel like its just my own fault for working out of my heart, and giving much more than I had to.
My heart was always with the company, it always has been. And my heart really goes out to my manager too. When I see him suffer due to our lack of staff I really can't bear to say I can't work. So I give up even my Saturdays, I rush down after church just to help out when they're short handed. ( I've never ever worked on Saturdays before until this batch. I think that means something). During my internship I had to work office hours: 8AM-5.30PM, yet I continued to work at this part-time job from 7-11. I worked there 3-4 times a week and it just really burned me.
But still I guess being put on the same station 90% of the time and have minimal interaction with the customers, I just couldn't take it anymore. I mean when I applied for the job, I applied to wait on tables and not to stand at the door all day and wait for the cows to come home. I don't mind doing that station, it's all part and parcel but not all the time!!
Then ofcourse another issue of being a trainer. I somehow feel that I deserve the role. I believe I have the knowledge and and experience that befits the role. But I'm just not one to ask for a promotion. Honestly, I feel that I'm better than some of the trainers so I think that it's not solely based on skills but rather, relationships. My very first boss pushed for my promotion and my friends, now in other outlets, and all promoted far beyond my standing all think I'm good enough and wonder why i'm still just a normal server. I honestly don't know.
It just seems that everyone believes in me except my own outlet and that really breaks my heart. It cuts deep because I love them. In a heated discussion one day I learnt 2 things.
1. "maybe you're not good enough to be a trainer"
2. "being a trainer is not for everyone. Just because you're good doesn't mean you. Can be a trainer. Being a trainer is about training people and not what you know."
Now I have no idea of the intentions of those two statements. But I told them I didn't want to be a trainer after hearing all that because if they didn't believe in me I didn't see the point with trying for the course.
I quit my job. My manager urged me just to take a break and not quit completely...
After 3 weeks I realized that I really missed working and decided to go back to work. They accepted me back. But sadly, my feeling can't disappear, and I don't know how to make them. I feel really hurt and disappointed by them right now. And my heart is still with the company so much that I got an interview for a new job but I couldn't bring myself to Ho for it because I knew my heart wouldn't be in it. I really do love my job and I don't want all this access baggage but I don't know what to do with it. I just feel that everything I ever did for this company has gone to waste.
They really made me doubt myself and my abilities. Making me think that standing at the door was all I could do since that was always my station. I started to think I was a bad station master that's why I was never given the opportunity. Their comments regarding the trainer course hit me hard, as my previous manager wanted to send me for the course but she resigned before getting the opportunity to do so. I really thought I was good enough, but to them apparently not.
They extinguished my flame. They really did. I think the reason I always end up thinking of the past when I work now is because that was when I was happy. It was when I knew I was an asset to the company. When I knew that I would be recognized for putting in the effort. For putting them above myself I was appreciated. I don't want to compete for promotions and power. This is not a job to me, it never was. As long as I can find a way to deal with everyone else moving on ahead of me I'll be alright.
I love my boss and my colleagues. I just wish they knew how hard this is for me. And how sometimes what they say affect me. I don't know how to get Back to my element and passion. Neither do I know how to bring myself to quit.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
nina from URL @ 1:24 AM
SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE DEAL IS.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
nina from URL @ 12:36 AM
PRAISE REPORT.
Guess I need to start logging my testimonies before i forget them. :) And I promised God I'd give Him glory.
1. I need to thank God for the opportunities He placed before me. I have been praying for opportunities, and i knew what I was getting myself into, but this time was alert and determined to go all the way. He opened many opportunities to me, in school, at work.. and I didn't even realise it because it was so instinctual that I just grabbed them and didn't even give a split second of hesitation to pass it off. blown away.
2. Next, I thank God for my results. No doubt they are not awesome, but they aren't mine to claim. :). I couldn't have done them alone and I really lifted them up. I can just see that God was with me all the way. I got a distinction for my design, for many of you it was perhaps a hard scoring module. But I want you to know I didn't do it on my own. I went to Australia during submission period of CA2, and God blessed me with good friends that even offered to help me submit it. Beyond that, even the designs, the inspiration, the effects, it was all from God. the whole concept and the ideas, I prayed. And God brought me through it. all the way to the end, it was always God.
3. I need to thank God for my A in law as well, because, it is quite a difficult module to study for, as much as I love it there's a lot of memory work to be done. And I can't really say I put a lot of effort into studying, it just all didn't seem to go in! and the paper was on a thursday, which didn't help one bit. I went to cell the day before and was seriously freaking myself out in my mind! my body was in cell group alright, but my mind was flipping through my textbook. HAHA. then I realised man, you know I don't remember anything. And I was trying to piece definitions but ZILCH. Well, ofcourse I managed to tell myself nonono. you have God and you raised it up to Him. He created law, do you think He won't know ?!?!? and immediately I knew I was off track. I bounced back, I prayed, and I read the bible on the way to school. I can even remember I was without notes outside the exam hall. AN A. THAT IS THE POWER OF MY GOD.
4. And ofcourse, I injured my leg 2 weeks back, I think it may be my running style, or the fact that the route I took had too much incline. any the case, it was bad for a week at least. Then when I tried to run after I feared it was turning into an old injury. I hardly met 7KM last week. It was scary, especially the thought of not being able to run anymore. But GOD HEALED ME. And I am still so amazed. It's IMPOSSIBLE. sweet. All praise to God. :):)
5. Lastly, I just want to thank God for His favor on my life. I mean I have the opportunity to do all the things I like and still stay on the path, and focused. :P I thank Him for blessing me. Like how I can have so much going on but still excel. How I can not even miss a single cell group session even when school work gets crazy, even when the next day is a major paper, even when I feel like I am not prepared at all, even so, I never doubted my Lord. And I can spend my saturdays at church each week, even tough sometime I think it's unfair how all my classmates get 24 more hours than I. but who was I kidding! >
woah. I didn't know how much I had to thank God for till I started, and now I can't stop. :D:D
"AND OH I'M RUNNING TO YOUR ARMS I'M RUNNING TO YOUR ARMS THE RICHES OF YOUR LOVE WILL ALWAYS BE ENOUGH."
Friday, February 18, 2011
nina from URL @ 10:57 PM
Decided to start blogging again, not tht anyone will read as my blog has been dead for a few centuries alr. HAHA.I've decided to take a new light on blogging, and there wont be any pessimism or complains, pure personality. :) I've deleted my whole archive as you can see. A FRESH START. :D I guess blogging really is an outlet. ah wells. I prefer that I am the only one who reads this, till it gets discovered anw. Probably won't update often, just when I feel like it. BEen really tied down lately it's really stressing me out. :S don't even have time to meet up with friends, not even my really good friend LENNON. Sorry buddy. :( can't bear to reject him anymore. :S
Alright, here goes...
Passions are really precious things. They are hard to find, but easy to get snatched away. By someone's mere sweeping statement you may just lose it all. But we got to hold on and stand strong, because what you have in your heart, NO ONE can take away. A true passion will NEVER die. I really need to safe guard all my passions and dreams, not allowing anyone to snatch them away. Sometimes they just seem so far and so unattainable, and its scary. honestly scary. My Lord is greater than any giants I guess? :)
I love running. to have a passion, doesn't mean you have to be excellent at it. I am not really a great runner at all. I am not an athlete. But my passion has evolved, ever since i took up the courage, the faith, with that really really special encouragement of a best friend that day, and I realised I could run. It grew so more as I came to poly, and I really ventured new heights. Crazy limits like 10KM were so beyond my reach, the most I ever ran was 2.4. But I made it. And when you attain something like that, you just got to go further. I would never have seen myself running marathons at all. but I just got to get it. The adrenaline rush!
Running to me is like life itself. It is the only time i can experience complete FREEDOM and nothing else will cut it. The feeling you receive for just simply completing a target you set for yourself, especially when you feel like throwing in the towel half way there is remarkable. It's a feeling you can't explain and I get high on running. I could run everyday any time. its just me. And I feel really restricted cos I can't be like some of my friends who can run at any waking moment. My parents will kill me if I told them I was going for a run after 7. It's such a pity.
I LOVE THE DRUMS MORE THAN EVER!! Drumming is the greatest discovery of life. It's crazy! Someone made a statement the other day that really affected me. they said, " nina is learning drums now." Let me get this straight. you can't LEARN drums. Drumming is an art, it's a feel. you can't LEARN it. It just comes to you.
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